OHMYGODS NEW PRETTY DRESS
I’m taking her home with me.
All dressed in white.
She’s got everything I need.
Some pills in a little cup.
Melancholy. Apathy. Lethargy.
My doctor upped my dosage of abilify and added xanax and desirol to my mix of brain scrambling pharmaceuticals today after my appointment.
But I can’t sleep.
I can’t eat.
I’m not stable.
I miss him.
I’m not adjusting.
I’m still quasi suicidal.
The darkness is near, and it has a phenomenal grip on my skeleton. I can feel this. It hurts.
Therefore, how am I supposed to argue with her concoctions? I can’t do it myself, my methods have a history of malice and failure.
I’ve been staring at the walls. The ceiling. The trees. The faces as they disappear and then reappear. Down into the void. It stares back at me, forever unimpressed.
I feel sick.
I feel sick because i am sick.
Its times like these when I genuinely consider suicide. I’d rather die than live this way. In this fucking zoo.
It took me forever to type these thoughts.
They kept leaving my head.
They get a weird, tingling sense of gratification when I lie about them or pull this thing off and I can go weeks- months and everybody thinks I’m fine. I look normal. I guess I don’t count. Nobody expects me to be what I am.
But that’s how I know they have me exactly where they want me….. damage is coming. Just a matter of time.
-Gravy covered anything
-Silver fish or anything resembling a centipede.
-The white stripes
-Waiting for texts
-colour. Especially warm tones.
-sharpie on your fingernails
-The term “friend zone”
-Ombre. Its called “get your roots done.
Honestly this list could go on. I should stop now.